I will start at the beginning.....
1st year of Grammar School (high school) - During this year I became very self conscious as I have always been very tall for my age and as a child was a lot larger than anyone else in my class. I became aware of weight, dieting, and how it could be controlled. I went to a middle/high class all girls school so as you can image it was very focused on what you looked like and what material goods you could afford. This year was hard but it was only the beginning of a long journey....
2nd year - In this year my insecurities deepened, changed several friendship groups and suffered on going digestion problems. Since the age of 10, I have experienced serious stomach issues which went unresolved for a long time; I felt weak, tired and was in constant pain throughout this period. I never felt I could be a normal child as I was in too much pain to enjoy simple childhood pleasures such as riding a bike or playing in the park. Later this year I was diagnosed with celiac disease and began my very strict gluten free diet. Yes it was good to find out what was wrong as I could control my symptoms, however this is when my 'controlling' behaviour really began. As a 12 year old girl, I had to check every food label before eating to make sure it was gluten free and slowly my eyes drifted towards the nutritional values and I became very conscious of the calorie content; I learnt endless products by memory and could have told you the number of calories in almost any food.
In May this year I experienced death for the first time; My grampa passed away. He has suffered Parkinson's disease for as long as I can remember and in the end he was living a dreadful life. It was best for him but none the less very hard to deal with.
Summer between 2nd and 3rd year - This summer brought new challenges. As well as the ongoing celiac disease and my weight dropping slowly, I also faced a near death experience this summer. In early July, the extreme pain began in my lower back, it continued for a few days when I decided to tell my mum. She rushed me to the doctor who gave me antibiotics and said it would take a few days to heal. That night, I went to bed as normal but woke up at 1am lying in a pool of blood and sweat in my bed; I was in a kind of pain I have never experienced before. I crawled to my parents bedroom and screamed out for them. Dad picked me up and carried me to the car, next thing I knew we were at the A and E (ER) . I don't remember a lot of what happened this night but I do remember the doctors telling my parents I had blood poisoning from a pilonidal sinus in my lower back; it was a very scary time. I had surgery that night in attempt to remove the poisoning, leaving me with a huge hole in my back. I stayed in hospital after this, everyday the nurses would stuff packing into the open wound; hell on earth is my only description. After a while I was allowed to go home, the nurses came to the house every morning and evening to monitor me; this continued until late September as I got MRSA in the wound and it couldn't heal.
3rd year - I missed the first 2 months of school due to my operation and when I returned to school I was only able to manage 2 hours at a time due to ongoing fatigue and pain (which continued for another 2 years).
In December this year I was told I need the operation again to prevent it from recurring; this time it healed much faster. Late January, I finally returned to school, it was very hard coming back into my class, they had all moved on and I felt about 2 years behind everyone else.
My weight slowly dropped and in March I developed Anorexia. My classmates noticed first, then my teachers and lastly my parents. I was forced into recovery outpatients, and slowly began to gain weight and get my life back; by October I was doing much better and everyone considered me to be recovered.
4th year - After the attempt to get my life back together in October this year I was determined to make things work with friends and school. However this was easier said than done.
In December this year I lost my sight. It began with extreme headaches, tiredness, pain and after a week I had lost sight in both eyes. I was taken to A and E (ER) where I had various tests and scans; I was told it was a brain tumour. Thankfully they were wrong, however I did have Optic Neuritis ( Inflammation of the brains optic nerve) and didn't regain my sight fully until February; yet again missing more school and more importantly my childhood.
I returned to school in February and joined a dance academy. This was one of the best things I had experienced. I was escapism from life, school, 'friends', pain, everything. Unfortunately this didn't last for long; In May I began experiencing crippling pain in all my limbs and was forced to stop dancing. I couldn't even get up the stairs to my bed some nights. I was then diagnosed with Hyper-mobility Syndrome in all my joints, it even effected the collagen in my stomach. I suffered for a long time until I was given treatment.
Throughout this time my Anorexia slowly returned and my weight was dropping.
In June, people began to notice how small I was becoming and concerns were made. Im not going into details of how the anorexia made me feel because it is too awful for me to repeat but I became very frail and weak and was yet again forced into recovery.
At the end of this school year it was decided I would repeat 4th year again due to my absence in school.
4th year (2nd time round) and 5th year - I was dropped into a new class this year with girls a year younger than me. They already had established friendship groups and I was not accepted well. From September until January I was present at school most days, determined to make things work for me; I developed a few friends and was trying so hard to be positive.
In January, my Optic Neuritis returned, again I lost my sight, my energy, my freedom and was absent from school until March.
In May, my aunty died from breast cancer and I began to feel out of control. Anorexia returned, this time worse than any time before. I pushed everyone away, hated my life and everything in it. I woke up every morning dreading the day ahead of me. Went to the hell hole I called school just so I didn't have to eat. Came home and avoided every meal I could. None the less I was a very hard worker and at the end of 5th year I got all A stars in my GCSE exams.
Anorexia continued from around May of 4th year until January of 5th year. At this time, I couldn't have possibly lost much more weight, I was all bone and even the bone was fading. I was brought to hospital, but I refused to listen to anyone. I didn't trust anyone and after past experiences I didn't believe anyone could help me.
Time for change - I had an anorexia twitter account at this time and one evening a very kind hearted girl from Australia (had a fitness account) spoke to me and told me about her friend that had died from anorexia and how much it hurt her friends and family. This was the turning point for me; after this moment something clicked and I never looked back. Yes times have been hard but I have never regretted recovery. I knew I had to do it for not only me but my parents, my brother, my puppy, my grandparents. Even if I had pushed all my friends away I would always have my family.
I turned my anorexia account into a fitness account and slowly began to increase my calories. I refused to go to any sort of therapy. I recovered all on my own. No support from anyone. As much as I love my family, they didn't help at all. I slowly gained weight and was allowed to join the gym later that year when I found my passion for lifting weights. Ever since then, I have gained knowledge, experimented with clean eating, macros, IIFYM and intuitive eating. I have gained so many friends and so much support through Twitter and Instagram and am finally finding the balance in my life.
Thank you so much for reading. Sorry its so long but a lot has gone on in the past 7 years of my life and I have decided its finally time to share it.
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